A dream from a little over a week ago (names changed)
I became aware of being in a room, a hotel perhaps, yet not
closed off to the outside air that I could feel behind me. I was getting ready to be married. There were people getting things ready and
more and more people were showing up.
Things were coming together. I
was getting my hair done and all that girly stuff that made me feel like I
looked like a princess.
As my brain started processing things, I realized that I was
marrying my friend, Clint. It had been
very short notice, a day perhaps. I knew it was a good set up. He was my friend. He would treat me well and
could take care of me. He was strong in
the church. I would love to help raise his little girl. It was all very fitting… wasn’t it?
The more things started coming together, the more people
were showing up and the more ready I was, the more I was unsettled and
unsure. Ultimately questioning if it was
really what I was supposed to do.
Something didn’t feel right.
I knew that Billy would not be there, he was still on a week
shift out in the desert. All of this had
happened whilst he was gone. He would
come back to find that I had gotten married.
I knew it would hurt him even though he had not chosen to see if we
could take our relationship to that level when that was an option. I couldn’t do that to him, I couldn’t hurt
him like that. But that was not my only
doubt.
In my dress I went to
go see Clint. I needed to know if he had
any doubts, if he was sure he wanted to go through with this.
When I found him, he was almost dressed. I expressed my doubts and asked him if he was
sure. He seemed hurt and frustrated. I asked if he was ok with waiting to see if
after few months we still wanted to get married. He told me that he was ready
to get married now. I did not want to hurt him, yet felt that what would hurt
him wasn’t the idea that I didn’t want to marry him, but more
the idea that he wouldn’t have the label of being married.
I left. As I walked
away, I could feel my dress flowing around my legs and getting in my way. I picked it up and walked toward the open
back wall to get some air. Outside I
could see the beautiful desert expanse, full of the beautiful red rock, red
dirt and the durable shrubbery that I love.
I could see the canyon that separated the building from the city in the
distance. Everybody seemed to be coming
from that direction. They all crossed
over to the building via a narrow bridge that spanned the width of the canyon.
I encountered my aunt among the people entering the building. I informed her of my doubts and asked her advice. She restated what I already knew, that Clint was a good man, my friend, LDS and would treat me well. She also reminded me that everybody was here
and that I should just marry him. It
felt as if she didn’t have hope that I would find anybody else who would fit
me.
I left her feeling horrible. Yes, everybody was here, it was
all set up, it was a “good match”, but I was more and more certain that I didn’t
want to marry Clint. It did feel a shame
to get everybody here and then miss the opportunity. The thought crossed my mind that if Billy were
there I’d marry him in a heartbeat.
With that thought I knew the wedding was off. I don’t know if I told Clint right there or if
I wasn’t sure til I walked down the aisle and told him there, but next thing I
know the wedding is off. I was sitting
out on the edge of the canyon in my wedding dress, leaning against a pole of
the safety rail. Around me were just a
few friends, the ones that understood that I had done the right thing. No one said anything. Just their presence was comfort enough.
I knew many did not understand and were frustrated.
I stared at my hands.
One of my guy friends squatted down beside me and asked if it was
because of him that I had called it off.
I was shocked at his narcissism, yet it made me smile because I knew
that he had been interested in me. I
made sure to let him know, in the kindest way I could manage, that it was not. I went back to staring at my hands.
I thought about Billy.
Would he hear about all of this? Undoubtedly. I didn’t know what to do- about calling off
the wedding, about Billy, about anything.
I looked over at the bridge to see if people were leaving
but saw nobody crossing back over, only a lone figure part way across the
bridge.
It was Billy!
He seemed to have a huge smile on his face.
Why wasn’t he at work? How did he find out about this? Why
was he smiling? Was he smiling because he was happy for me getting married? Or
did he know that I had called it off?
My mind was racing. All I managed to do was look quickly
back at my hands and watch them fidget.
In my mind I was all too aware of him crossing the rest of
the bridge and then approaching where I sat, in the dirt, in my dress, with my
legs hanging off the edge of the rocks.
He stood above me.
I could not bring myself to look up at him. I was too afraid
of what he would say. He had the power to make the pain of the whole mess
ultimately more unbearable or make my heart sing.
I waited for him to speak.
Then I woke up.
