The Bridge and a White Dress

A dream from a little over a week ago (names changed)

I became aware of being in a room, a hotel perhaps, yet not closed off to the outside air that I could feel behind me.  I was getting ready to be married.  There were people getting things ready and more and more people were showing up.  Things were coming together.  I was getting my hair done and all that girly stuff that made me feel like I looked like a princess. 

As my brain started processing things, I realized that I was marrying my friend, Clint.  It had been very short notice, a day perhaps. I knew it was a good set up.  He was my friend. He would treat me well and could take care of me.  He was strong in the church. I would love to help raise his little girl.  It was all very fitting… wasn’t it? 

The more things started coming together, the more people were showing up and the more ready I was, the more I was unsettled and unsure.  Ultimately questioning if it was really what I was supposed to do.  Something didn’t feel right.

I knew that Billy would not be there, he was still on a week shift out in the desert.  All of this had happened whilst he was gone.  He would come back to find that I had gotten married.  I knew it would hurt him even though he had not chosen to see if we could take our relationship to that level when that was an option.  I couldn’t do that to him, I couldn’t hurt him like that.  But that was not my only doubt.

 In my dress I went to go see Clint.  I needed to know if he had any doubts, if he was sure he wanted to go through with this.

When I found him, he was almost dressed.  I expressed my doubts and asked him if he was sure.  He seemed hurt and frustrated.  I asked if he was ok with waiting to see if after few months we still wanted to get married. He told me that he was ready to get married now. I did not want to hurt him, yet felt that what would hurt him wasn’t the idea that I didn’t want to marry him, but more the idea that he wouldn’t have the label of being married.

I left.  As I walked away, I could feel my dress flowing around my legs and getting in my way.  I picked it up and walked toward the open back wall to get some air.  Outside I could see the beautiful desert expanse, full of the beautiful red rock, red dirt and the durable shrubbery that I love.  I could see the canyon that separated the building from the city in the distance.  Everybody seemed to be coming from that direction.  They all crossed over to the building via a narrow bridge that spanned the width of the canyon. 

I encountered my aunt among the people entering the building.  I informed her of my doubts and asked her advice.  She restated what I already knew, that Clint was a good man, my friend, LDS and would treat me well.  She also reminded me that everybody was here and that I should just marry him.  It felt as if she didn’t have hope that I would find anybody else who would fit me. 

I left her feeling horrible. Yes, everybody was here, it was all set up, it was a “good match”, but I was more and more certain that I didn’t want to marry Clint.  It did feel a shame to get everybody here and then miss the opportunity.  The thought crossed my mind that if Billy were there I’d marry him in a heartbeat. 

With that thought I knew the wedding was off.  I don’t know if I told Clint right there or if I wasn’t sure til I walked down the aisle and told him there, but next thing I know the wedding is off.  I was sitting out on the edge of the canyon in my wedding dress, leaning against a pole of the safety rail.  Around me were just a few friends, the ones that understood that I had done the right thing.  No one said anything.  Just their presence was comfort enough. 

I knew many did not understand and were frustrated.    

I stared at my hands.  One of my guy friends squatted down beside me and asked if it was because of him that I had called it off.  I was shocked at his narcissism, yet it made me smile because I knew that he had been interested in me.  I made sure to let him know, in the kindest way I could manage, that it was not.  I went back to staring at my hands. 

I thought about Billy.  Would he hear about all of this? Undoubtedly.  I didn’t know what to do- about calling off the wedding, about Billy, about anything. 

I looked over at the bridge to see if people were leaving but saw nobody crossing back over, only a lone figure part way across the bridge.

It was Billy!

He seemed to have a huge smile on his face. 

Why wasn’t he at work? How did he find out about this? Why was he smiling? Was he smiling because he was happy for me getting married? Or did he know that I had called it off?

My mind was racing. All I managed to do was look quickly back at my hands and watch them fidget. 

In my mind I was all too aware of him crossing the rest of the bridge and then approaching where I sat, in the dirt, in my dress, with my legs hanging off the edge of the rocks.  He stood above me. 

I could not bring myself to look up at him. I was too afraid of what he would say. He had the power to make the pain of the whole mess ultimately more unbearable or make my heart sing. 

I waited for him to speak.

Then I woke up.